8-year-old: Do you have a favorite kid?
Me: That would be like you having a favorite parent.
8: It's Mom.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2023
12-year-old: *yells at her sisters*
Me: What's the problem now?
12: They're here.
Not sure I can solve that one.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2022
7-year-old: I'm pretending I have a store.
Me: What kind of store?
7: The kind where people give me money then go away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2022
To make sure my kids don’t mess with the ornaments this year, my Christmas tree is a 4-foot-tall cactus.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013
In case you wondered how my parenting is going today, I had to tell my kids, "Fish it out of the toilet and wash it off."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2022
Me: You can't watch TV. You're grounded.
6-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
6: It shouldn't count when I forget.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2022
Me: Is it weird that I-
Wife: Yes.
Me: You didn't let me finish.
Wife: Everything you do is weird.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2022
8-year-old: How are you feeling today, Dad?
Me: Are you asking because you care, or because you're deciding if you should tell me bad news?
8: I dropped a whole apple in the toilet.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2022
Me: What kind of cake do you want for this weekend?
7-year-old: Chocolate and vanilla.
Me: Why both?
7: So my sisters won't have anything to complain about.
If only it were that easy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2022
[soccer]
7-year-old: Did you see me score that goal?
Me: You scored a goal?!
7: I passed to the guy who passed to the guy who scored the goal.
Me: *high-fives her for basically scoring a goal*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2022