To make sure my kids don’t mess with the ornaments this year, my Christmas tree is a 4-foot-tall cactus.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2013
In case you wondered how my parenting is going today, I had to tell my kids, "Fish it out of the toilet and wash it off."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2022
Me: You can't watch TV. You're grounded.
6-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
6: It shouldn't count when I forget.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2022
Me: Is it weird that I-
Wife: Yes.
Me: You didn't let me finish.
Wife: Everything you do is weird.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2022
8-year-old: How are you feeling today, Dad?
Me: Are you asking because you care, or because you're deciding if you should tell me bad news?
8: I dropped a whole apple in the toilet.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2022
Me: What kind of cake do you want for this weekend?
7-year-old: Chocolate and vanilla.
Me: Why both?
7: So my sisters won't have anything to complain about.
If only it were that easy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2022
[soccer]
7-year-old: Did you see me score that goal?
Me: You scored a goal?!
7: I passed to the guy who passed to the guy who scored the goal.
Me: *high-fives her for basically scoring a goal*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2022
My wife texted me her idea.
I tried to reply "excellent," but my phone changed it to "excrement."
You're all invited to my funeral.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2022
Me: Are you cleaning?
9-year-old: Yes.
Me: What have you done so far?
9: I thought about getting started.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2022
Me: Your mom and I are going to watch a movie.
11-year-old: On Netflix or Hulu?
Me: In a theater.
11: What year do you think this is?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2022