Me: Do you have homework?
11-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why haven't you started it yet?! It's time for bed.
11: Not for ten more minutes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2023
My 9-year-old said she misses "the good old days." I can only assume she means when she was in the womb.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2023
10-year-old: What's for dinner?
Me: Pizza.
10: I knew I got out of bed for something today.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2023
As I've gotten older, I've become used to injuring myself in stupid, unathletic ways.
But today I set a new bar: I hurt my knee writing.
I will be taking no further questions at this time.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 22, 2023
I had to tell my kids, "No killing curses in the house!"
Parents of muggles have it easy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2023
10-year-old: I'm so hungry.
Me: You can have any healthy snack you want.
10: I said hungry, not desperate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2023
7-year-old : My new shoes are so beautiful.
Me: They sure are.
7-year-old: Time to get them dirty.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 2, 2023
Me: I need you to be good this weekend.
10-year-old: Just this weekend?
Me: Well, no. Always.
10: So your warning is meaningless.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 17, 2023
I asked my 1-year-old if she wanted pizza.
She nodded so hard she fell over.
So, yes, I'm sure she's mine.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2017
[doing dishes]
10-year-old: Do I have to wash this bowl?
Me: Yes. Why wouldn't you?
10: We could give up and throw it away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2023