I took my kids to a petting zoo. What did they go for first? The one animal they could pet at home. pic.twitter.com/G8lMeSFCWD

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2024

8-year-old: Can I stay up late tonight?

Me: No, you have school in the morning.

8: Why do you always have bad news?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2024

My 8-year-old's favorite part of this trip so far isn't the pool or the restaurants. It's the smiley face sponge in the rental house. Now she's doing dishes for fun. I'm definitely buying a giant box of smiley face sponges when we get home. pic.twitter.com/85vIjpBGjt

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2024

8-year-old: *tells me her phone broke a week ago*

Me: You should have told me right away.

8: I tried.

Me: When?

8: When you were in the bathroom.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2024

4-year-old: I remember your birthday.

Me: Yeah. It was last year.

4: No, your first birthday.

I'm raising a time traveler.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 31, 2019

11-year-old: I saw a movie at school I think you'd like. It was about a war.

Me: What war?

11: A world one.

I am very interested.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2024

8-year-old: If I'm rich someday, I don't want to live in a mansion.

Me: Where do you want to live?

8: A castle.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2023

I send my 8-year-old to Cub Scouts so she can learn to be a more responsible member of society. They taught her to make a catapult. pic.twitter.com/WNfqgegpg2

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2023

[Fall break]

Me: What did you do today?

9-year-old: Watched movies.

Me: Good movies?

9: No. Just ones to have on while I played on my phone.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2023

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don't you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2023