3-year-old: I'm 3. I get 3 cupcakes.
Wife: That's not how it works.
Me: *eats 34 cupcakes*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2019
7-year-old: I got you ice cream for Father's Day.
Me: Where is it?
7: The store. You have to go there and buy it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 16, 2019
7-year-old: Can I play with my birthday presents?
Me: After your party is over.
7: Everybody needs to go home now.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2019
[family reunion]
Me: *opens a beer at 10 a.m.*
Wife: We're with your family.
Me: You're right. I should have started at 9.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2018
6-year-old: The hardest jobs don't pay money.
Me: Like being a mom?
6: Like being a Power Ranger.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2019
[watching the new Star Wars teaser]
6-year-old: Girls are the best Jedi.
Me: Maybe.
6: It wasn’t a question.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2019
My 8-year-old called something I said hyperbole.
Then she used "hyperbole" correctly in a sentence to prove she knew what it meant.
Now she's grounded for a million years for being smarter than me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 6, 2019
Me: Flamingos can drink boiling water.
Wife: That's interesting, but I asked why you didn't empty the dishwasher.
Me: I was learning flamingo facts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2019
4-year-old: *holds up a plastic t-rex* She's a girl.
Me: How can you tell?
4: All the boys are scared of her.
Science.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2019
6-year-old: Do you have to have a wedding to buy a wedding cake?
Me: I guess not.
6: Can we have one for dinner?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2019