[batman seeing what a real bat looks like]
batman: wow okay so I was WAY off— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 31, 2021
Seeing a shark swimming in the distance, I calm my girlfriend. “Don’t worry.” I say, “More people die from vending machines than shark attacks—” but I stop suddenly, filled with immediate dread, as I spot it. Nearby is swimming an even larger, angrier vending machine.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 6, 2021
A woman once casually said “nice haircut” to me 12 years ago and that’s been my haircut ever since.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) November 23, 2021
Do a scooby-doo episode about after they catch someone and his first day in prison where he has to tell everyone he tried to commit tax fraud by dressing like a spooky ghost and got caught by a talking dog.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) November 21, 2021
therapist: what’s your greatest fear?
me: that I’m not really meeting a person but the rat controlling them
therapist: *adjusting his suspiciously tall hat* haha, would that be so bad?
me: *loading rat trap* that’s what the rat controlling the man who killed my father said
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 24, 2021
The worst part of being Clark Kent is probably that he can never dramatically remove his glasses after discovering a dead body.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 20, 2021
Please don’t make fun of people for not wanting to hang out late. Maybe we’re not old and lame. Maybe we’re responsible werewolves.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 18, 2021
Hate that ancient Greeks just ruined gifting giant wooden horses for everyone.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 11, 2021
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Me: *Holding what is clearly Aragorn’s sword* No I brought this from home.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 10, 2019
schrödinger: don’t look in the box
me: why?
schrödinger: until you do the cat in it is alive and dead
me: *very slowly opens it*
cat: don’t touch my fucking box
me:
schrödinger:
me: what’s the real reas—
schrödinger: I’m scared of the cat
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 15, 2021