{Doing a magic trick}
ME: Pick a card.
HIM: *Chooses one*
ME: You can keep that.
HIM: What?
ME: *Whispers* The magic is our new friendship.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 21, 2018

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 1, 2023

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 26, 2023

WIFE: I’m leaving you.

ME: Is it because I trained a parrot to dramatically repeat what I said for emphasis?

WIFE: Yes.

PARROT: *SQUAWK* Is it beca—

ME: Not… not now Joffrey.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) November 10, 2018

Reasons for swimming probably has the most dramatic tempo change of any list. It goes:
1) Fun
2) Exercise
3) Desperately trying not to die

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 20, 2023

Clark Kent singing along at a Salt-N-Pepa concert and accidentally yelling “Kryptonite!” at the “Girls, what’s my weakness?” part.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 27, 2023

Batman said he based his costume on the thing that scared him most as a child, so it seems weird he chose “bats” instead of “some dude killing his parents”

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) July 10, 2023

New kink unlocked. https://t.co/1UogIcGafS

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) May 9, 2023

I love to take a book and go sit in the park.
That way the trees know what happens to them if they try anything.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 21, 2023

me: centaurs have 6 legs so technically they’re insects

therapist: I’m charging you extra for notebooks because your sessions keep filling them up

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) March 30, 2023