[Me as a detective]
ME: Oh no, it looks like the serial killer that outlines his victims’ bodies with chalk struck again.
OTHER COP: I did that.
ME: You’re under arrest you son of a bitch.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 10, 2020
Her: I love Christmas.
Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 2, 2019
Therapy is just reverse fight club you keep talking about it until it stops hurting
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) November 2, 2019
[First day as a NASCAR driver]
ME: *Driving the entire race with my left blinker on*
— PolterGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 20, 2019
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 6, 2019
ALL OF THE OTHER ANIMALS WHEN SIMBA IS BORN: *Bowing*
ONE ZEBRA: That guy’s dad murdered, like, A LOT of us.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 24, 2019
BRAIN: Hold on, we were thinking about something that really upset us, what was it?
ME: Since we forgot, maybe we just move on, and don’t start thinking about it again?
BRAIN: Listen. Listen to me. We are going to sit here quietly and remember until we are furious again.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 24, 2019
ME: *Looking at pills* Right, so how often do I take these?
CIA CHIEF: *Taking back cyanide capsule* Let’s go over this again.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 3, 2019
HANDYMAN: Figured out why your cupboard keeps opening.
ME: Ghosts? Was it ghosts?
HANDYMAN: …This screw is loose.
ME: Where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) July 26, 2019