OMG yesterday when I was getting my wisdom teeth removed, I started to feel the effects of the anesthesia and I said “does anyone need anything while I’m out?” before falling asleep and NOT A SINGLE DOCTOR LAUGHED OR ACKNOWLEDGED MY JOKE I’m unappreciated in my time smh /lh
— Kusi🪿🏴☠️#1 Oliver Teach Fan (@KusiGoose) February 14, 2026
“No one wants a woman who….” Aww sweetie, we don’t care
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) February 20, 2026
You can just take a picture of a tortoise and say it’s 192 years old. Nobody checks that shit.
— Benny Boy (@Camel_Crushin) February 21, 2026
man who ghosted me on tinder is my waiter at this restaurant and we're just looking at each other like this pic.twitter.com/eAhMmo7xgA
— sammy (@loserbent) February 20, 2026
2yo asked what "embarrassed" meant, i told him something like "when you do something silly and you dont want anyone to look at you"
— lia (@tallsnail) February 21, 2026
now he keeps randomly coming up to me and getting right in my face 👁️👁️ with a sneaky little smile, "mommy are you embarrassed???"
My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry at each other.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) February 20, 2026
We've been awake since Monday.
the little boy i babysit just told me it should be easy for me to get a boyfriend because i can throw a fruit snack in the air and catch it in my mouth…..i wish it was that easy austin, i really do lol.
— 5.🪐 (@luvhuss) February 20, 2026
A Placebo cover band also called Placebo
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) February 20, 2026
I have lived next to the same guy for 3 years. Thought his name was Steve. I call him Steve. His name is Steve in my phone. l've been to his apartment.
— 5.🪐 (@luvhuss) February 21, 2026
We've had dinner.
His name is Brian. His dog is Steve.
At the dinner table, my sister asked all of us what color her boyfriends shirt was. After we all said grey, she turned to him & said "now tell them what color you think it is" and he just quietly replied "dark white" 😭
— 𝘽𝙡𝙖𝙠𝙚 (@Arealmfngl) February 14, 2026
