Hygienist: *stabs the shit out of your mouth with pointy metal*

Also Hygienist: Looks like you've got a little bleeding here

— Matty (@bestestname) February 20, 2026

OMG yesterday when I was getting my wisdom teeth removed, I started to feel the effects of the anesthesia and I said “does anyone need anything while I’m out?” before falling asleep and NOT A SINGLE DOCTOR LAUGHED OR ACKNOWLEDGED MY JOKE I’m unappreciated in my time smh /lh

— Kusi🪿🏴‍☠️#1 Oliver Teach Fan (@KusiGoose) February 14, 2026

I have lived next to the same guy for 3 years. Thought his name was Steve. I call him Steve. His name is Steve in my phone. l've been to his apartment.
We've had dinner.
His name is Brian. His dog is Steve.

— 5.🪐 (@luvhuss) February 21, 2026

2yo asked what "embarrassed" meant, i told him something like "when you do something silly and you dont want anyone to look at you"

now he keeps randomly coming up to me and getting right in my face 👁️👁️ with a sneaky little smile, "mommy are you embarrassed???"

— lia (@tallsnail) February 21, 2026

abbreviation is such a long word for what it means

— Khera (@Kheramahira21) February 14, 2026

You can just take a picture of a tortoise and say it’s 192 years old. Nobody checks that shit.

— Benny Boy (@Camel_Crushin) February 21, 2026

My grandma recently installed WhatsApp and thought that groups were meant for sorting contacts.

Long story short: She created a group called 'Unimportant' with about 15 relatives and acquaintances.

— Raksha (@caraksha103) February 18, 2026

A Placebo cover band also called Placebo

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) February 20, 2026

I was thinking to myself, I never see or hear my roommate take a shower. At first I thought maybe he takes one very early or late at night. So I angled his soap at a specific angle and they’ve stayed the exact same for days. Will be monitoring the situation closely.

— Punchy (@BigOrangePunch) February 13, 2026

does anyone else’s cat wake them up for food by literally slapping you in the face with their paw?? I’m so sick of this bitch

— faye (@fayemikah) February 20, 2026