Wife: *putting on makeup*
4-year-old: Is that your Halloween costume?
Wife: What?
4: You look like an angel.
I need to take notes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018
6-year-old: Why does Monday have to come after Sunday?
Me: When should it come?
6: Never.
Amen.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018
6-year-old: Mashed potatoes make me sad.
Me: Why?
6: They should have been French fries.
Now I'm sad, too.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2018
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who's coming over?
Me: No one. We're cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2018
Me: It's Monday.
4-year-old: No thanks.
I didn't know it was optional.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 18, 2018
I thought the best words my children could say to me were, "I love you."
Then my 2-year-old said, "I am Groot."
Now she doesn't have a bedtime.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 28, 2018
7-year-old: *puts a lightsaber, a princess crown, and goldfish crackers in a duffel bag*
Me: Where are you going?
7: To war.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 28, 2018
Not to brag, but I made exactly the right amount of pasta for dinner.
If you need me, I'll be waiting for my letter from Hogwarts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2020
8-year-old: How many doughnuts can I have?
Me: One.
8: One total or one at a time?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2020
8-year-old: I finished my puzzle.
Me: You didn't use all your pieces.
8: Those are just extras.
Don't let her assemble furniture.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 16, 2020