4-year-old: Why do I have to be the youngest?
Me: Your sisters were born first.
4: They cheated.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2020
5-year-old: WHO ATE MY CUPCAKE?
Me: You did.
5: I wouldn't do that to me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 29, 2019
Me: Our kids are cute.
Wife: I know.
Me: But not cute enough.
Wife: Stop comparing them to Baby Yoda.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2019
7-year-old: We never do anything fun.
Me: *names five fun things we did today*
7: But we didn't do anything fun after that.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2019
5-year-old: I don't want a middle name anymore.
Me: Why not?
5: You only say it when I'm in trouble.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 9, 2019
Me: Wake up.
7-year-old: It's too early.
Me: It's time for church.
7: Is God even awake yet?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2019
9-year-old: Where's Mom?
Me: Getting ready. Beauty takes time.
9: Is that why you're always ready so fast?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2019
Me: No kids this weekend. We make the rules.
Wife: We're the parents. We always make the rules.
Then we both laughed till we cried.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2019
[getting ready for brother's wedding]
Me: Can you shave the back of my neck?
Wife: You think someone's going to take a picture of the back of your head?
My dad, shouting from the other room: That's his good side.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2019
3-year-old: I'm 3. I get 3 cupcakes.
Wife: That's not how it works.
Me: *eats 34 cupcakes*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2019