9-year-old: I'm done.
Me: With what?
9: *motions vaguely around* Everything.
Same.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2019
Me: Instagram and Facebook are down.
Wife: Oh, no. You'll have to interact with people in person.
Me: No. There's still Twitter.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2019
Me: Get up.
6-year-old: Why?
Me: It's Monday.
6: I can't do this every week.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2019
6-year-old: Why are boys?
Me: Why are boys what?
6: Just why are they?
Me: No one knows.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2018
Wife: *putting on makeup*
4-year-old: Is that your Halloween costume?
Wife: What?
4: You look like an angel.
I need to take notes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018
6-year-old: Why does Monday have to come after Sunday?
Me: When should it come?
6: Never.
Amen.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 13, 2018
6-year-old: Mashed potatoes make me sad.
Me: Why?
6: They should have been French fries.
Now I'm sad, too.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2018
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who's coming over?
Me: No one. We're cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2018
Me: It's Monday.
4-year-old: No thanks.
I didn't know it was optional.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 18, 2018
I thought the best words my children could say to me were, "I love you."
Then my 2-year-old said, "I am Groot."
Now she doesn't have a bedtime.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 28, 2018