i accidentally stepped on my cat’s paw while he was intentionally putting himself in my path…i feel like a war criminal
— sarah (@slothanova) April 11, 2026
I just explained to my 4-year-old that we are going to his Great Grandmothers funeral tomorrow and she must sit very quietly while people talk and tell stories about her.
— ꧁✿Nessa✿꧂ (@Softnessa_) April 10, 2026
She said “Good. We can find out who murdered her.”
tommy shelby’s diet https://t.co/JqoOoKgQA1
— ℳ (@peakiblynders) April 9, 2026
I sent my husband to the store, and he texted that they didn’t have what I sent him there for. I didn’t believe him, so he flipped his phone and had the cashier tell me they didn’t have it. Impressive move.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 10, 2026
Went to lie down for 20 minutes, woke up 3 HOURS LATER. Said “why didn’t you wake me?!” He said he sent 3yo in with a xylophone and I slept through it so I must have needed it
— Lady Nimby (@LadyNimby) April 11, 2026
babe what’s wrong? you’ve barely touched your Terminator 2 Judgement Day silver promotional peanutbutter pic.twitter.com/uy4aaxO72i
— horse dentist (@equine__dentist) April 10, 2026
it’s always “are you autistic” and never “thanks for sharing your cool tornado facts with me even though I didn’t ask”
— maybe: k*rk (@oldscarf1stweek) April 10, 2026
Doctor: Alcohol is killing you slowly.
— Roro ☃ (@RoRoFli) April 11, 2026
Patient: That's ok, I am not in a hurry.
Doctor: pic.twitter.com/eRmDZy8VxC
Paul Rudd seems like the kinda guy who would sit down to watch a movie and be like “oh yeah I forgot I was in this one too”
— joji (@jojipaints) April 12, 2026
good morning, i no longer have a fan.
— theduchessofnursing (@duchessofnsg) April 11, 2026
thank you for your attention to this matter. https://t.co/ZAw9Z5yvVy
