Went to lie down for 20 minutes, woke up 3 HOURS LATER. Said “why didn’t you wake me?!” He said he sent 3yo in with a xylophone and I slept through it so I must have needed it
— Lady Nimby (@LadyNimby) April 11, 2026
My coworker said I dress like I caught a lizard and I'm waiting for a chance to show it to everyone pic.twitter.com/XU8zNnTm44
— Jon Bird (@2002tacomasr5) April 9, 2026
babe what’s wrong? you’ve barely touched your Terminator 2 Judgement Day silver promotional peanutbutter pic.twitter.com/uy4aaxO72i
— horse dentist (@equine__dentist) April 10, 2026
I just explained to my 4-year-old that we are going to his Great Grandmothers funeral tomorrow and she must sit very quietly while people talk and tell stories about her.
— ꧁✿Nessa✿꧂ (@Softnessa_) April 10, 2026
She said “Good. We can find out who murdered her.”
MY BOYFRIEND TOLD ME TO GUESS HOW MANY TABS HE HAS OPEN AND WHEN I GUESSED WRONG HE SENT ME THIS. 11,713 TABS??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? pic.twitter.com/uml832IZlm
— 🚪 RITA .ᐟ ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ♡ ₊˚⋆ (@ANGELICFANGZ) April 15, 2026
tommy shelby’s diet https://t.co/JqoOoKgQA1
— ℳ (@peakiblynders) April 9, 2026
one of my favorite things about being alive is that sometimes i’ll meet a cat
— ❀ (@deallium) April 10, 2026
i accidentally stepped on my cat’s paw while he was intentionally putting himself in my path…i feel like a war criminal
— sarah (@slothanova) April 11, 2026
I sent my husband to the store, and he texted that they didn’t have what I sent him there for. I didn’t believe him, so he flipped his phone and had the cashier tell me they didn’t have it. Impressive move.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 10, 2026
good morning, i no longer have a fan.
— theduchessofnursing (@duchessofnsg) April 11, 2026
thank you for your attention to this matter. https://t.co/ZAw9Z5yvVy
