I will say "bless you" for up to three sneezes in a ten-minute period. Any sneezes beyond that will go unblessed and you can go to hell
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) August 21, 2026
I'm Still thinking about a lady who bought my toaster on FB Marketplace, and showed up with a slice of bread to test it.
— Boo (@333too3) August 25, 2026
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?
— jason (@morecjjj) August 23, 2026
my sister facetimed me four times in a row and when I finally picked up I said “somebody better have died” and she just stared at me like this https://t.co/QHZj8m7F25pic.twitter.com/9fwpl7jGBc
— frankie steins gay uncle (@ewkewpid) August 25, 2026
Just called my husband and he answered “Hi Tash, how are you?!” which is code for “you’re on loud speaker, someone from work is with me so please don’t do your dog, Australian or Irish voice.”
— Tashy McTashface (@TashP351) August 20, 2026
9:00am: "time to lock in, no interruptions"
— Neil Renic (@NC_Renic) August 20, 2026
9:04am: pic.twitter.com/ijnrMeiOEe
I remember being a kid I would search for “lady Gaga naked” on my iPad and didn’t know how to clear my history so I would google “swords” like 50 times to cover my tracks
— punishedmarxoid☸️ (@punishedmarxoid) August 19, 2026
will never forget when i crashed out over a guy and my therapist saw his picture she went confused & cringed and said "this is the guy….?" #humbled
— gabrielle (@manicmegatron) August 22, 2026
Chinese people will tell you they’re from a city you’ve never heard of and then you google it and it has 14 million people https://t.co/OGeXYvd7xr
— jake (@jakesgoodopines) August 21, 2026
my husband and i are trying for number 2 (we're both constipated)
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 23, 2026
