I have lived next to the same guy for 3 years. Thought his name was Steve. I call him Steve. His name is Steve in my phone. l've been to his apartment.
— 5.🪐 (@luvhuss) February 21, 2026
We've had dinner.
His name is Brian. His dog is Steve.
I was thinking to myself, I never see or hear my roommate take a shower. At first I thought maybe he takes one very early or late at night. So I angled his soap at a specific angle and they’ve stayed the exact same for days. Will be monitoring the situation closely.
— Punchy (@BigOrangePunch) February 13, 2026
I have noticed that winter olympics athletes cry more than summer ones and I think it’s probably because a lot of the time they could have just died doing what they just did
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) February 14, 2026
Hygienist: *stabs the shit out of your mouth with pointy metal*
— Matty (@bestestname) February 20, 2026
Also Hygienist: Looks like you've got a little bleeding here
the little boy i babysit just told me it should be easy for me to get a boyfriend because i can throw a fruit snack in the air and catch it in my mouth…..i wish it was that easy austin, i really do lol.
— 5.🪐 (@luvhuss) February 20, 2026
abbreviation is such a long word for what it means
— Khera (@Kheramahira21) February 14, 2026
me during 85% of the winter olympic sports:
— Le'Veon Bell (@LeVeonBell) February 21, 2026
“how do you even figure out you’re good at that?”
You can just take a picture of a tortoise and say it’s 192 years old. Nobody checks that shit.
— Benny Boy (@Camel_Crushin) February 21, 2026
When I was 8, I walked into my parents doing the dirty and I thought they were wrestling so I jumped in the bed with them and punched my dad in his balls
— Dave (@tufdave) February 20, 2026
2yo asked what "embarrassed" meant, i told him something like "when you do something silly and you dont want anyone to look at you"
— lia (@tallsnail) February 21, 2026
now he keeps randomly coming up to me and getting right in my face 👁️👁️ with a sneaky little smile, "mommy are you embarrassed???"
