Gaga's baby at 3am wanting milk: pic.twitter.com/narJLCIxHl

— Azarath (@gardenpanty) September 12, 2026

I've seen so many 'my dad was supposed to be on flight 11 but he got a flat tire on the way to the airport' type stories that it's amazing there was anyone on the fucking plane at all

— pornography jr (@psionic_warrior) September 11, 2026

One of my patients had just delivered her baby vaginally, and afterward her husband kept asking me if I could put in an “extra stitch” for her. I looked at him and said, “Is it really that small?” The way that man suddenly went quiet. 😭😭😭

— 💗 (@ma1ybe) September 11, 2026

Salaries used to be so high back in the day that men could financially support their secret second families

— Roony (@Roonysters) September 11, 2026

I have 3 elderly neighbors who live alone. I found it odd they have their garage doors open every morning. Turns out it's to let each other know they're not dead.

— Michigan Matt (@MichiganMattCPA) September 13, 2026

A few weeks after 9/11 my orthodontist was adjusting my braces and goes “you know my wife worked in tower 2 but we both decided to be late for work that morning, if you know what I mean” and now I have to remember that every time I’m flossing my permanent retainer.

— Sam Rudykoff (@SamRudykoff) September 11, 2026

at this weird age (43) where everyone in their 20s looks like a child and everyone my age is middle-aged. except me, i’m normal age

— Dan Douglas (@dandouglas) September 11, 2026

Don’t invite me nowhere with chairs that don’t have a back to it.

— 𝙶𝚊𝚠𝚞𝚔𝚊 𝚔𝚊𝙼𝚐𝚎𝚐𝚎𝚍𝚕𝚊 (@Somlimokazi) September 11, 2026

one time i couldn’t reach a book on the top shelf at the bookstore and i was too shy to talk to an employee so i put in an online order and came back an hour later to pick it up :/

— addie (@idyllicdreamss) September 12, 2026