man who ghosted me on tinder is my waiter at this restaurant and we're just looking at each other like this pic.twitter.com/eAhMmo7xgA

— sammy (@loserbent) February 20, 2026

went on a date to the cinema and the cinema was empty cause it was late. he gets out his phone, opens snapchat and starts recording, saying “yeah we rented out the whole cinema, you know what it issss” 😐 https://t.co/r5VqHCApaH

— IVY (@Iamivy05) February 22, 2026

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry at each other.

We've been awake since Monday.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) February 20, 2026

the little boy i babysit just told me it should be easy for me to get a boyfriend because i can throw a fruit snack in the air and catch it in my mouth…..i wish it was that easy austin, i really do lol.

— 5.🪐 (@luvhuss) February 20, 2026

2yo asked what "embarrassed" meant, i told him something like "when you do something silly and you dont want anyone to look at you"

now he keeps randomly coming up to me and getting right in my face 👁️👁️ with a sneaky little smile, "mommy are you embarrassed???"

— lia (@tallsnail) February 21, 2026

When I was 8, I walked into my parents doing the dirty and I thought they were wrestling so I jumped in the bed with them and punched my dad in his balls

— Dave (@tufdave) February 20, 2026

A Placebo cover band also called Placebo

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) February 20, 2026

abbreviation is such a long word for what it means

— Khera (@Kheramahira21) February 14, 2026

Hygienist: *stabs the shit out of your mouth with pointy metal*

Also Hygienist: Looks like you've got a little bleeding here

— Matty (@bestestname) February 20, 2026

You can just take a picture of a tortoise and say it’s 192 years old. Nobody checks that shit.

— Benny Boy (@Camel_Crushin) February 21, 2026