The best thing i heard today was a pregnant women arguing with her husband and she said, "I have two Brains and you have one".
— 𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 (@AbakpaJob) March 29, 2026
When your friend falls asleep on the sofa at 4:30am and your cat guards your room cuz they're not used to someone being out there LOL pic.twitter.com/8KpLID67aF
— Emi Lo 🔜 WeebCon (@KitsuneSqueak) March 28, 2026
— 𝓔𝓶 ♡ (@emkenobi) March 28, 2026
man in front of me in line buying exclusively heavy duty cleaning supplies and giant trash bags I make joke “haha a little weekend murder cleanup?” he is unamused, pissed even “NO. that’s NOT what this is for.” anyway if I end up dead in a giant trash bag tonight this was why
— dana donnelly (@danadonnelly) March 28, 2026
a woman accidentally said “fuck” in a grocery store after dropping her phone and a kid standing behind her repeated it instantly.
— Freyy (@Freyy_is) April 1, 2026
she turned around absolutely horrified ready to apologize and the mother was crying.
her son is nonverbal and 10 years old and just said his first…
Saw a thing where people where sharing embarrassing work stories and a girl said when she got her first waitress job, someone ordered champagne and she thought it was standard to shake and spray the bottle at everyone like an F1 driver as that's the only reference she had.
— 5.🪐 (@luvhuss) March 28, 2026
i had an ex boyfriend threaten to publish my nudes when we broke up, so i published them myself with his threatening messages and tagged all his friends, relatives and potential new girlfriends. i think the boy still has whiplash from that plot twist.
— Jett 🜲 (@iky_fwjett) March 28, 2026
4yo is asking me if he can go to jail and I said “you have to wipe your own butt in jail” and he changed his mind
— Jamie (@spacej_me) March 29, 2026
face ID has recognized me in moments i wouldn’t have recognized myself
— The Frustrating Individual (@MILFmassacre) March 28, 2026
my dog is crying bc i put his bone in my tote bag and its like…………..the bone is going in the tote bag because we're going to the DOG BEACH you IDIOT. you don't know ANYTHING. you're about to have the BEST DAY
— buy MORE, PLEASE (out now) (@EmmaSpecter) March 29, 2026
