i had an ex boyfriend threaten to publish my nudes when we broke up, so i published them myself with his threatening messages and tagged all his friends, relatives and potential new girlfriends. i think the boy still has whiplash from that plot twist.
— Jett 🜲 (@iky_fwjett) March 28, 2026
When someone says, “It was 20 years ago.” I think, “Ah yes, the 90s!” But then they tell me it was 2006 and I have to sit down for a bit.
— Douglas A. Boneparth (@dougboneparth) March 28, 2026
4yo is asking me if he can go to jail and I said “you have to wipe your own butt in jail” and he changed his mind
— Jamie (@spacej_me) March 29, 2026
man in front of me in line buying exclusively heavy duty cleaning supplies and giant trash bags I make joke “haha a little weekend murder cleanup?” he is unamused, pissed even “NO. that’s NOT what this is for.” anyway if I end up dead in a giant trash bag tonight this was why
— dana donnelly (@danadonnelly) March 28, 2026
Weirded out by homes with no pets. Like where is your creature
— Soleil (@soleiljolina) March 28, 2026
Every cat is a little celebrity to me
— 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖑𝖞❤️🔥 (@Charlygotyou) March 28, 2026
my wife waiting for me to open up a video she sent me while we're in the same room pic.twitter.com/ZAXEOV9LGg
— Trophy Husband 🏆 (@Brian_onX) March 28, 2026
The best thing i heard today was a pregnant women arguing with her husband and she said, "I have two Brains and you have one".
— 𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 (@AbakpaJob) March 29, 2026
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down to check your phone for a minute.😭
— 𝗠𝘂𝗵𝗲𝗲 ♛ (@muheediva01) March 29, 2026
My mom and dad had 7 photos of me between 1971 and 1983, and I have 253 of my dogs from 7:00 to 7:05 this morning.
— Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 (@MikeBales) March 28, 2026
