told my boss i was going to the toilet
— 𝕭𝖆𝖇𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖙𝖔𝖓 ✞ (@babingtond01) December 9, 2025
but didn’t say which one, now i’m at home. pic.twitter.com/Jn9odXQiZI
Once you block a slap from your mum, be ready to explain to the entire family why you wanted to kill her😂😭
— kelly…! 😈 (@kelly_mensahh) December 13, 2025
I could never be a trad wife because I enjoy telling men to shut the fuck up too much
— mitra (@persianmama111) December 14, 2025
I was facetiming this girl while I was at the store.. I got in line to pay I said "ima put you in my pocket till I'm done" she like ok. Soon as I put the phone in my pocket this b!tch started screamin "AHHHHH GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! I CANT BREATHE!!! AHHHHH!!!"… BRO 😂
— 𝘽𝙡𝙖𝙠𝙚 (@Arealmfngl) December 17, 2025
A few years ago I asked my homie to try to talk to my girl to see if she would cheat on me and they been together for 3 years now and have 2 kids💔😭
— Dave (@tufdave) December 13, 2025
Parents saying “ I know my child “ will forever be the funniest joke
— parks (@parkersity_9) December 14, 2025
My brain randomly giving me side quests like:
— Champ✨ (@Ib_ra_himm) December 13, 2025
“Don’t blink until that car passes the fifth house.” pic.twitter.com/FCXgrxsxFL
A man I hate told me I hurt his feelings yesterday pic.twitter.com/S2l6ztgHrM
— notyourdad666 (@cherrybomb3r1) December 14, 2025
I work at a bank and this lady came in with a $200,000 check and to make conversation I was like “oh wow I wish I had one of these” then she deadass was like “it’s a life insurance check. I would rather have the person.” 😭😭
— staxxx🦅 (@papiwontmiss) December 17, 2025
Cats don’t have owners, they have staff.
— ɴᴏ ᴄᴜᴛs ɴᴏ ʙᴜᴛs ɴᴏ ᴄᴏᴄᴏɴᴜᴛs (@damn_elle) December 14, 2025
