my lawyer: deny everything
me: no— john (@mrjohndarby) January 30, 2022
professor x: what is your superpower
batman: *writing him a check*
professor x: that'll do nicely
— john (@mrjohndarby) January 23, 2022
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
— john (@mrjohndarby) January 15, 2022
[phone call]
vet: I need to see your dog ASAPme: omg why?
vet: I miss him
— john (@mrjohndarby) November 20, 2021
zoo keeper: *feeding the penguins*
me: can I try?
zoo keeper: ok
me: *swallowing a sardine* delicious
— john (@mrjohndarby) November 14, 2021
men say "I can't believe you're leaving me, after all I've done for you" referring to 2 shelves they put up
— john (@mrjohndarby) November 7, 2021
inventor of musicals: what if we ruined a movie every 15 minutes
— john (@mrjohndarby) November 8, 2021
if plants could talk what would grass do? would every single blade speak or just the whole lawn? this is important
— john (@mrjohndarby) November 5, 2021
tried playing basketball with my kid but he kept getting stuck in the net
— john (@mrjohndarby) October 31, 2021
me: ugh, had a really long day
person who lives on venus: don't get me started
— john (@mrjohndarby) October 30, 2021