me: i, uhh, haven't had sex in a while
her: it's alright, it's just like riding a bike
[five minutes later]
her: ok so maybe less pedaling
— hype (@TheHyyyype) February 13, 2021
[first day as a mugger]
me: *points gun* gimme all your money
guy: please, i have kids
me: nah i'd rather have the money
— hype172450629038 (@TheHyyyype) January 13, 2021
every fantasy story of the last 30 years is just a ripoff of lord of the rings
harry potter: lotr in middle school
game of thrones: lotr with incest
frozen: lotr on ice
shrek: lotr with all star
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) March 13, 2019
the average person eats 8 spiders in their sleep, but not me. i eat them when they're awake
— the hyperion (@TheHyyyype) May 27, 2019
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it's the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you're late
— hype (@TheHyyyype) February 16, 2019
waiter: i'm sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
— hype (@TheHyyyype) February 5, 2019
therapist: men tend to marry women who remind them of their mothers
me: interesting
[later]
me: *walks into the house*
wife: *is fucking my dad*
— hype (@TheHyyyype) February 3, 2019
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
— hype (@TheHyyyype) January 26, 2019
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) December 12, 2018
wife: ugh the baby's been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) December 8, 2018