Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 5, 2021

Doctor: so what's wrong with you?

Me: oh man so much

Doctor: medically

Me: my shoulder hurts

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 9, 2021

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 14, 2020

Her: I actually think Ratatouille is a boring movie

Me *shakes head at waiter bringing the engagement ring*

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 30, 2020

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 18, 2018

Wife: Guess who said their first words today?

Me: He didn't!

Wife: Yes he did!

Me: omg what did the dog say?

Wife: I was talking about your son

Me: He said a whole sentence?!!

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 23, 2020

Her: I don't even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 3, 2019

Me: What's wrong?
Wifi: You're obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you've spelled wife

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 12, 2019