what if ghosts can’t see us either and they’re scared as shit cause who the fuck is making pizza bagels at 2 a.m

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 27, 2021

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) November 13, 2020

tom ben

🤝

and jerry

— semi-retired (@TweetPotato314) May 24, 2020

Boss: you need to pick your battles

Me: the battle of Hogwarts

Boss:

Me:

Boss: damn I was gonna choose that one

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) November 30, 2019

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) September 28, 2019

me: *getting into bed* I feel like I’ve been forgetting something all day

ex-wife: the divorce

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) September 21, 2019

The fastest way out of an escape room is to shout “I’m having diarrhea” until an employee opens the door

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) July 30, 2019

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) July 8, 2019

therapist: i believe in you

me: why

therapist: you’ve shown real progress

me: r-really

therapist: oh shoot this is the wrong file

me: oh

therapist: how’s your fear of *pulls paper closer* being forgotten

me: worse

— m@thew, carny at the world’s not fair (@TweetPotato314) April 30, 2019

Barbie: send me a dick pic

Ken: HOW

— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) March 2, 2019