Told my son he did a good job listening today and he said “no thanks I’m not hungry”
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 28, 2021
Confuse your opponent in the rap battle by rapping compliments at them
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) July 22, 2021
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) September 13, 2020
If you get bitten by a shark, bite it back. You’ll still probably die but the shark will be like “lol what”
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 30, 2020
Me: This pizza is really good!
Somebody Who Visited Italy With Their Family For A Week When They Were 14: *sighs* It’s fine…
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 4, 2020
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
— the drake gatsby 🐻 (@DrakeGatsby) January 4, 2020
Me: Hey do you have anything about adapting your business to survive in a changing marketplace?
Book Store Owner: No
— the drake gatsby 🔨 (@DrakeGatsby) November 2, 2019
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
— the drake gatsby ✨ (@DrakeGatsby) August 27, 2019
Jigsaw: Lets play a game
Me: No thank you can we just skip to the murder please
— the drake gatsby 🐝 (@DrakeGatsby) August 19, 2019