Right now there is an aunt buying all the ingredients for that thing she brings every Thanksgiving that everyone in the family hates.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 20, 2023

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 13, 2018

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 1, 2018

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 25, 2022

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 1, 2022

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022