Acceptable reasons to stop a movie:

1. The house is on fire.

2. To google what else that guy is in.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) April 21, 2024

My dog: I lost my toy under the couch.

Me: pic.twitter.com/IIQiwNasSW

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) February 20, 2024

Monday: *makes weekend plans*

Saturday morning: pic.twitter.com/wqzKICjXsR

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) February 17, 2024

Just another little reminder that 1994 was thirty years ago. THIRTY YEARS AGO. Have a nice day.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) February 6, 2024

When I was a kid we didn’t just play on swing sets, we survived them.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) January 26, 2024

Welcome to Twitter: it’s like high school except everyone’s 45.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) January 31, 2024

My neighbor told me he heard me “having sex” this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) January 23, 2024

My son asked me what it was like growing up in the 90s so I threw his phone out the window.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) November 18, 2023