I don't have cat- like reflexes, I have cat-like sleeping habits.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 28, 2024

I don't need an alarm clock anymore because I'm over 40 and have a bladder.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 12, 2024

It's called a "sports car" because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 4, 2024

Some people exercise before breakfast.

I've watched a show I didn't like because the remote fell on the floor.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 26, 2023

My wife and I have taken 6 photos together in the last 2 years.

Meanwhile we've taken 93 photos of our dog sleeping since last week.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 17, 2023

I don't care how old you are it is terrifying when you lose the person you're with in a store.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 10, 2023

No matter how much my wife likes her Christmas gifts from me she will like the gift our dog "bought her" more.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 9, 2023

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 5, 2023

Every year for Christmas I buy my nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 2, 2023

The clocks go back tonight, which means we get an extra hour of getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 4, 2023