male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 16, 2024

if i was in a horror movie situation one thing i would never do is look through any kind of hole in the wall that is roughly the size of a human eye

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) January 12, 2022

“sex is scottish” is making me laugh so much. you know sex, right? well it’s scottish https://t.co/rgOhJneJTW

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) September 17, 2021

by your thirties you should have a pasta shape you vehemently despise for no particular reason. mine’s rotini.

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) April 25, 2020

adopting baby yoda and keeping him very small and sickly, due to my munchausen by proxy

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) December 2, 2019