Got thrown out of the gun range because right before I’d shoot I would yell something crazy like “I told you to cut the crusts off of my sandwich Grandma!” or “I ordered this Big Mac with NO ONIONS mother fucker!” pic.twitter.com/2bT6I1roqt

— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) October 12, 2024

Every year we try and find the worst tree on the lot and this year’s is truly remarkable pic.twitter.com/TOZHCDG4l5

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) December 16, 2023

My kid loved terminator 1 and 2. He asked me if there were any more and I told him no because I’m a good dad.

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) November 10, 2023

Somebody brought their baby to a 10:30 screening of Spider-Man and let me tell you this baby hates this fuckin movie

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) June 4, 2023

Shout out to hikers and joggers for discovering every murder victim in murder history

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) April 14, 2023

Left the door to my painting shed open while I ran to the store and my cat shit on one of my paintings. That painting is now worth nothing or completely priceless depending on how my art career goes.

— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) May 21, 2022

He’s been begging me to take him some place to try oysters and as soon as he saw them he changed his mind pic.twitter.com/gaoDjizAcB

— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) May 7, 2022

I think the scariest alien scenario ever would be if they came to earth, didn’t talk to humans, communicated with something in the ocean for a few days and then just left

— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) March 15, 2022

The name's Bond, James Bond. And you are? pic.twitter.com/S7n2fUsFIn

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) June 29, 2019

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged pic.twitter.com/Jdeox1c2PU

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) February 22, 2019