my daughter announced that I am the better parent.

my husband: why her?! what criteria are you using?

Kid: um, safety?

my husband: what?! when did I ever let you die?

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 29, 2024

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 3, 2022