Told my kid that his shirt was on backwards. He leaned in close and whispered, “I. Don’t. Care.”

— Midge (@mxmclain) July 10, 2024

Old men love telling people what “that building used to be”

— Midge (@mxmclain) May 18, 2024

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

— Midge (@mxmclain) February 15, 2024

me: turns on vacuum
my dog: this is my Vietnam

— Midge (@mxmclain) February 7, 2024

IKEA is the most expensive escape room

— Midge (@mxmclain) September 2, 2023

Mad Max Arctic Road pic.twitter.com/PXZ0ssjoIV

— Midge (@mxmclain) January 29, 2023

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

— Midge (@mxmclain) October 1, 2022

Me: How old is he?
9 yo: i dunno he’s got a mustache

— Midge (@mxmclain) April 30, 2022

Seeing someone trip never fails to lift my spirits

— Midge (@mxmclain) April 27, 2022

When you accidentally make eye contact through the door gap in the bathroom stall pic.twitter.com/HIfL0jkMWZ

— Midge (@mxmclain) March 25, 2022