my child started sitting in a corner a few weeks ago to talk to “jennifer”. i thought she had an imaginary friend. then she told us the girl was called “jennifer chip” which seemed like a weird surname until i discovered she was talking to a dorito that was under the radiator

— nash flynn (@itsnashflynn) July 28, 2024

watched a dude carry a screaming toddler across the parking lot. he noticed me looking at him and said “he’s mine, i’m not stealing him” and then before i could reply he added “if i was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole”

— nash flynn (@itsnashflynn) May 12, 2024

my asshole neighbor complained that our rooster was loud in the morning. and then my rooster died unexpectedly and so now i am forced to stand on my porch at 5:15 am to scream THE SUN? OH MY GOD ITS THE FUCKING SUN

— nash flynn (@itsnashflynn) August 19, 2021