“To build a skeleton army to defeat the humans”was probably not the best answer when my 6 year old asked me why the tooth fairy takes their teeth

— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) May 18, 2024

My son said my stomach looks like a sad muffin. We laughed and laughed and I truly hope he enjoys his new foster home

— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) May 11, 2024

Me to my Dog: stop barking it’s just the mailman

Me when someone uses my driveway to turn around: OMG SOMEONE HAS COME TO MURDER US

— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) May 3, 2024

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) January 14, 2024

Wife: why is there a password on your phone?

Me not wanting her to see my google history of words I can’t spell:

I’m cheating on you

— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) January 11, 2024

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) May 14, 2022