My wife thinks I'm at work …. My boss thinks I'm home sick …. These ducks think I'm fucking awesome because I have bread.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) October 25, 2024

I thought I heard it raining outside so I went to my weather app on my phone to make sure.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) February 11, 2024

I feel old as fuck when someone tells me they were born in 2000

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) January 27, 2024

Whoever designed my car where everything I drop fits perfectly down that gap between my seat and console expect for my hand is a fucking asshole.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) January 17, 2024

Most of my life decisions are made when I'm waiting for the water to boil for my Ramen Noodles.

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) November 4, 2023

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 30, 2023