Child: I want two sandwiches.
Me: I’ll make you one sandwich.
Child: I want two.
Me: You won’t eat two.
Child: YES I WILL I’M STARVING
Me: If I make you two sandwiches, you’d better eat two sandwiches.
Child: I will.
…
Child [halfway through first sandwich]: I’m full.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 27, 2024

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 19, 2024

Me: Finally it’s cool enough to go running.

Wife: So are you going running?

Me: No, I’m just saying it’s cool enough.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 22, 2024

I always choose the “buy now, pay later” option with the hope I’ll be dead by the time the bill arrives.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 15, 2024

Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 26, 2023

There needs to be a scientific study on why kids complain about having to take a shower and then spend three hours in it.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 3, 2023

I’m at the age where I see a huge, beautiful mansion in a movie and think, “How much does it cost to heat that house in the winter?”

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 11, 2023

[6 AM]

Child [coming out of bedroom]: Is an orange named after the color or is the color named after the fruit?

Me [rubbing temples]: it is way too early for this

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 29, 2023

Wife and I are at the age where we have a bunch of shows that we can’t watch until the kids go to bed, but by the time they go to bed we’re too tired to watch them.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 10, 2023