if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

— brent (@murrman5) July 7, 2024

bass players: what if after the guitar solo I do something like this *makes bubbling spaghetti sauce sounds*

— brent (@murrman5) October 16, 2023

I don’t care about science a tomato is a vegetable

— brent (@murrman5) September 30, 2023

love the vet. love to hear the staff keep saying “the patient” and it’s a lizard.

— brent (@murrman5) April 23, 2022

family: we are concerned you’re blowing through your money too quickly.
me: you’re not gonna like what’s about to happen.
three of the beach boys I hired to harmonize everything I say: you’re not gonna like what’s about to happen

— brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2021

hanging out with your smart friends is too much pressure. an hour into it and im saying things like “one has to wonder how different the bible would be if jesus wore a hat”

— brent (@murrman5) July 29, 2021

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

— brent (@murrman5) December 5, 2018