me: our baby was born
everyone: first of all, how much does it weigh?
— john (@mrjohndarby) October 28, 2022
date: coffee please
waiter: milk?
me: she said coffee
— john (@mrjohndarby) January 7, 2020
me: I hate U2
my pro bono lawyer: this won't work— john (@mrjohndarby) September 2, 2022
god: longer
angel: ok
god: longer
angel: ok
god: longer
angel: ok
god: *chuckling* longer
angel: *giggling* ok
giraffe: cut it out guys— john (@mrjohndarby) August 6, 2022
[being murdered by a woman]
me: actually you're holding the knife wro-— john (@mrjohndarby) July 20, 2022
[my funeral]
me:— john (@mrjohndarby) June 4, 2022
therapist: how have you been?
me: pretty good actually
therapist: wtf
me: I'm sorry
— john (@mrjohndarby) June 3, 2022
hits hard when you binge 10 seasons and see the actors age over a weekend
— john (@mrjohndarby) May 21, 2022
her: my parents died in a hot air balloon accident
me: I'd love to try that
her: hot air ballooning?
me: no
— john (@mrjohndarby) May 20, 2022
her: I like men that are good in bed
me: last night I slept for 16 hours
— john (@mrjohndarby) May 8, 2022