got fired from my job as the guy that draws the chalk outline at crime scenes for, quote, “adding too much detail to the dick area”

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 4, 2022

To be fair to Elon Musk, I would also like to buy and ruin the place where people were mean to me. It’s just hard to turn a profit from a 7th grade playground.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 26, 2022

Listen, if we start allowing breaks to slap Oscar presenters, the Oscars are gonna be 9 hours long.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) March 28, 2022

[Text]
UNKNOWN NUMBER: Hey, you busy?

ME: Nope, still in lockdown. Who’s this?

*Rips off mask*
DUOLINGO OWL: I fucking knew it! Learn Spanish you piece of shit.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 7, 2020

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 12, 2022

If this happened to me I don’t think I’d be worrying too much about the condom. pic.twitter.com/2wKGm8TGn0

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 6, 2022

[Parallel universe where Juliet woke up before Romeo killed himself and now they’re married]
Juliet: *Putting her “JUST NAPPING” sign around her neck* Rome. Romeo. Again, really need you to focus here. I’ll be up in 90 minutes. Look—look at me… Don’t drink any poison.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 1, 2022

[batman seeing what a real bat looks like]
batman: wow okay so I was WAY off

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 31, 2021

Seeing a shark swimming in the distance, I calm my girlfriend. “Don’t worry.” I say, “More people die from vending machines than shark attacks—” but I stop suddenly, filled with immediate dread, as I spot it. Nearby is swimming an even larger, angrier vending machine.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 6, 2021

A woman once casually said “nice haircut” to me 12 years ago and that’s been my haircut ever since.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) November 23, 2021