[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 23, 2019

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 16, 2021

dumbledore: hey I’m the most powerful wizard in the world but this 11-year-old is now in charge of saving us from magic hitler

literally everyone else: ok

— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 9, 2021

Starting a True Crime podcast but I didn’t want to research a bunch of crimes so I’m just committing my own.

— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) September 12, 2019

I’m not buying a tree this year I’m just waiting until it’s my living room’s turn for the monolith to appear and decorating it really fast.

— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 4, 2020

love seeing trump supporters devastated by this because literally the only thing they lost is the ability to be publicly racist

— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) November 8, 2020

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) August 17, 2020

DUMBLEDORE: Hogwarts is the safest place in the world.

EVERY TEACHER: Another kid got murdered.

DUMBLEDORE: “AnOthEr KiD gOt MurDerEd.” That’s you. That’s what you sound like.

— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) July 31, 2020

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) July 9, 2020

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) February 29, 2020