Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) October 17, 2018

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) June 25, 2019

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what's the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it's 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 12, 2019

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 5, 2019

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) February 26, 2019

Socrates: the only thing I know is that I know nothing

Socrates’ roommate: so you don’t know who ate my nutella

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) February 19, 2019